Ten Terrifying Minutes of TooSarcastic’s Inner Monologue

Let’s see, just in from work and the old lady isn’t home yet. I’m bored. Let’s fire up the pron machine and see what we can find…
*types something into Google*
Hmmm, seen it, seen it, boring, bor- Waaiit a minute! What’s this? Is… that even… possible? “Big Assed Interracial Donkey Midget Hoes South of the Border?” How can sex be both interracial and interspecies at once? Heh. Only one way to find out, har, har.
*clicks the mouse*
Oh. Well, I guess that is… technically… geez, they got the subspecies of donkey printed onscreen and everything. Wow. The production values are pretty good- for Big Assed Mexican Midget Interspecies Interracial porn, that is. Hey, this scene looks familiar, oh yeah! I have seen this one after all. Boring.
Might as well check out the Mothership.
*clicks*
The new House of Cards article… “Auction of the Pauple?” Hee hee hee! Oh Chris Millar, what truly entertaining puns will you come up with next? You’re like the Carrot Top of casual Magic, except Canadian. And without the props.
Oooh! Swimming with the Sharks! Let’s see what tournament tech Flores is laying on us tonight… “The Extended Metagame Ordeal- Day 67” What the hell? No author has labeled a metagame update as an ordeal since the Affinity blight of ’03.
*scans the article*
What does he mean by “Next Level Blue is now Previous Level Blue is now Sea Level Blue?” That doesn’t even make sense! I think michaelj is slowly descending into madness. How long HAS he been covering Extended? Let’s check the archives…
*clicks*
Jesus, it’s been since like December. His last Standard article was on… December 13th! No wonder the man is losing it. Can he actually enjoy writing about Extended for that long? Doubtful. He’s too intelligent for that. There must be some other reason that he’d do this to himself. He’s mentioned on occasion that his wife is far more attractive and successful than him, maybe he’s got some sort of inferiority complex that’s spiraled into a masochistic relationship…

Mrs. Flores: “Alright maggot! You’re going to bore the Magic community with another Extended metagame article while I put out these cigarettes out on your back.”
michaelj: “Oh yes! Thank you Mistress. It hurts so good!”

…Plausible, but only one option. Maybe he feels constrained by fate to write about Extended until he dies…

*phone rings*
michaelj: “This is Flores.”
BDM: “Hey Mike. It’s Brian.”
michaelj: “What’s Up?”
BDM: “Well, it’s about your weekly articles. Kelly wanted me to give you call about the amount Extended coverage we’ve been seeing from you…”
michaelj: “Look Brian, I… I just… I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
BDM: “To be honest, I was surprised you didn’t do a write up of PT: Kuala Lumpur.”
michaelj: “Brian that was Limited. Are you on crazy pills? All those 40 card deck lists are different. Sure, there might be some major archetypes, but there’s like a million variants…”
BDM: “Well, isn’t that similar to the way Extended is right now?”
michaelj: “That’s totally different! And you’re missing the point. I’d don’t do Limited analysis. They actually play with cards like Weight of Conscience, for chrissakes!”
BDM: “Okay. Okay. But what about a Standard breakdown? There have been quite a few high profile tournaments since the Morningtide rotation, but nobody on Magicthegathering.com has touched the topic yet….
michaelj: “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”
BDM: …“I mean there was the GPT in Chiba, the SCG 1k and 5k, the GP in Shizouka-"
michaelj: “Brian, I love you but you’re a total idiot. There hasn’t been PTQ or a PT for Standard yet this season. As far as competitive players are concerned, Standard doesn’t exist right now.”
BDM “The guys in Shizouka would disagree…”
michaelj: “As much as I’d like to write about Standard, I’m shackled to the Extended treadmill. There’s really only one way out. I’ve got the gun. It’s the coward’s way, Brian. But I’m so very tired… so tired.”
BDM: “…”
michaelj: “Goodbye Brian. I’m sorry.”
*dial tone*
BDM: “Meh.”

That seems like a more reasonable guess. Let’s see what else is going on the intrawebs.
*clicks*
You know, it seems like most of these comic geeks are using Gary Gygax’s death as an opportunity to make fun of roleplaying geeks. Funny, I’ve never known people on the internet to act like assholes before...
*loads Itunes*
Oh shit. Why is this Howlin’ Wolf track in my Muddy Waters playlist?
*switches between tracks*
They sound exactly alike! Sweet Jesus! I can’t tell Muddy Waters apart from Howlin’ Wolf! If anyone finds out about this my hipster cred goes down the toilet. Let’s quick play something else…
*clicks*
Ah, Arcade Fire. I guess the wife downloaded some stuff. That’s the Canadian band everyone thinks is so great lately. I don’t know why… they… Oh my. This is amazing. Pure pop songwriting at its essence. Arcade Fire really did put out the best album of 2007! Holy shit. Hearing this music is releasing long repressed emotions… I… can’t…. stop… crying! Can’t stand it! Am…forced to…confront my own…humanness…feeling empathy for others… ahh, it’s awful! I am totally sincere! Contemplating my existence has wrung all the sarcasm out of me! I feel so…empty. Oh. Right. That’s because I’ve lived my life as a soulless asshole. Quick!
*clicks the mouse frantically*
Play some Fatboy Slim! Open up MODO! Join a draft cue! I must descend back into mindless gaming! I must distract myself from this existentialism immediately. Come to me, blissful ignorance!
*draft fires*
Ahh, that’s better. For a second there I almost cared about something other than myself. See, this is why I can’t listen to indie rock.
T