The Great Magic the Gathering Color Pie Personality Quiz

Finally! Hard evidence that everyone really is out to get me. Or at least out to take credit and profit from ideas that were originally mine. Okay, that opening could be chalked up to paranoia or just hyperbole, but I’ll let you judge that for yourself after reading.


I stumbled across the “What Color Are You” personality quiz on one of Wizards’ “learn to play Magic” sites. Looking at the wording of the questions left me a little suspicious, since I had emailed excerpts my own Magic personality quiz based on the five colors to Mark Rosewater a few years ago. I’m posting my old quiz unaltered and in its entirety so you all can compare yourselves. None of my exact questions are used, but they seem eerily familiar to me, even down to the rambling attempts at humor. I do have to admit that their quiz is more appropriate for the preteen age group, which is to say it is more boring. Also, I made an ill-fated attempt to synthesize personality into several colors per person, if appropriate. This made my quiz hopelessly complex, for no good reason. In my defense, at the time of its composition I was in graduate school and had just finished a research methods course where I had been evaluating the quality of survey data for the entire semester. Breaking down the concept of personality into five arbitrarily discrete categories seemed like an evening of good fun at the time.


Here’s how it worked. I would email about bunch of people this quiz, asking them to fill it out. Annoyed, they would refuse and then I would badger them about it until they fill it in to get me off their backs. It worked better with non-Magic players since they had no idea what the “flavor” of the five colors were. They would email their results back to me, and then I would add up the results and send them back long-winded explanations as to what kind of a human being they were. Actually what they received was more of a primer on the color pie. As such, the results were often in part lifted directly from MaRo’s articles. (Does this make it ironic that I am accusing him of using my idea without permission?) Unfortunately, MaRo hadn’t written his article on Red prior to this, and as I disclosed last week I am about as anti-Red a person as you can find (excepting Senator Joe McCarthy). As a result the Red questions generally focus on angrily breaking objects into pieces, which (unless you’re on steroids or a 14 year-old boy) is unlikely to be seen as an attribute people would seek to correlate with their personality. If I were to redo this quiz, I would play up the spontaneous, creative side of Red and play down the “mindless rage” aspect. Without further ado, here is the quiz in full.


Startled and embarrassed by the outstandingly low quality of stupid online personality quizzes, I was inspired to write my own stupid personality quiz. When composing such an assessment tool one should attempt to quantify personality using the most useless framework available. Being a huge geek, I decided to utilize my embarrassing familiarity with a certain collectable card game, namely Magic: the Gathering. Magic uses a color coding system to denote different “flavored” cards. You don’t have to understand this, just keep reading. My idea was to take the “principles” governing the flavor of these colors and apply them to people’s personalities (so instead of a “green and white deck” I’ll talk about a green and white person’s attitude). If this sounds to you like the biggest waste of time ever, I’ve been successful in picking a theory of personality to assess. After all, the last personality test I took told me what Christian Theologian I was. This is way cooler than that! So take my stupid quiz! You’ll get your personality codified by a color system unknown to 99.99% of the US population. How elitist is that? Just forward this message back to the sender, but add your answers on the blanks provided. Results will be forthcoming!

What M:TG Colors are You?

1. If you were to get a pet, what would it be?

A. I’d have to go with a dependable dog. One that I could train to help others, like guarding the house, scaring up game when I hunt, leading my blind aunt when she visits, you know, productive stuff like that.
B. I’d get a cute little purebred puppy. When it’s young I can take it for walks and snag admiring members of the opposite sex with its cuteness, and then when it’s older I’d enter it in dog shows and rake in the cash! Cha-ching!
C. I suppose I could have one pet, maybe a cat that would show its sophistication and subtlety at all times, even when taking a dump.
D. A pet? The more the merrier. I want a freakin’ menagerie.
E. A monkey. Definitely a poo-throwing monkey.
F. You didn’t mention any animal that I’d ever want.

Question 1. Answer - _______


2. When I grow up I’m going to major in-

A. Economics or some hot tech job that’ll make me loads of cash!
B. Definitely Quantum Mechanics… or maybe Hegelian Metaphysical Philosophy… Ooh! Or 18th century European History! Oh yeah!
C. I’m not going to college. I’m going to work the land in the jungles of Uruguay. But if I were, I’d major in something completely un-academic like Music …or Ecology.
D. Beer Bonging with a minor in Public Urination.
E. Pre-Law or Pre-Med.
F. None of these descriptions even come close to capturing what I want to study.

Question 2. Answer - ________


3. Pick the most delicious meat.

A. Fish. Its brain food, you know.
B. You’re kidding, right? I don’t eat meat, I’m a vegan.
C. BBQed steak. The rawer the better, baby!
D. I’ll have the free-range chicken, please.
E. Veal. Nothing beats the sinful taste of young, atrophied, sensory-deprived flesh.
F. I hate all these meats or non-meat alternatives.

Question 3. Answer - ________


4. You’ve had your meal. Now pick an after dinner drink.

A. Just a big glass of ice water, please.
B. Beer. Oh, you wimps can chase it with tequila if you need to.
C. A nice desert wine would be fine, thanks.
D. A tiramisu martini. So rich.
E. Absinthe. What!? It’s chic! It’s so chic you’ve never heard of it! Stop laughing!
F. None of these options holds even a passing interest to me.

Question 4. Answer - ________


5. I listen most to-

A. Punk. The more hardcore, the better.
B. Perfectly crafted pop masterpieces exactly four minutes long.
C. Rap. I gots to get mine, beeyotch!
D. Electronic dance music so arcane you can’t dance to it.
E. Singer/Songwriter folk that strips away the artificiality so prevalent in today’s society.
F. You didn’t mention any sort of music I like, you reductionist jerk.

Question 5. Answer - ________


6. You’ve just received a letter in the mail from the library saying that a book you have is now a week overdue. What do you do?

A. There must be some mistake. I can’t have forgotten about something so important. But if it’s true, I’d return the book immediately.
B. Throw the letter in the trash and keep the book. What are they going to do? Send the librarian over to break my legs?
C. Return the book, but only after copiously studying it and taking notes. Knowledge is worth any price.
D. Anxiously try to locate the book in the compost pile.
E. There must be some mistake. I can’t read.
F. I would do something completely different from and infinitely cooler than any of these lame options.

Question 6. Answer - ________


7. You’re at a great party. Where at the party can you be found?

A. I’ll be at the bar, looking for a second “date” to complement the one already on my arm.
B. I’ll be on the couch, in a drunken argument about the philosophy of science.
C. I’ll be in the basement, passing the fattie around, if you know what I mean.
D. I’ll be on the dance floor, shaking it and shouting “Wooo!” really loudly.
E. I’ll be at the kitchen table sipping on orange juice and playing Scrabble, or maybe Outburst if I’m feeling really wild.
F. I’ll be hiding in some place that you never mentioned, because I wouldn’t be caught dead in any of the above places.

Question 7. Answer - ________


8. I would give my right arm for-

A. A state of the art, robotic arm that could type twice as fast.
B. An arm with a big hairy claw instead of a hand. Rraarr!
C. The grenade I used to be holding when I had a right arm.
D. Nothing. Some things aren’t worth sacrificing.
E. Just about anything I needed at the moment.
F. Something. Just not any of your choices, dork.

Question 8. Answer - ________


9. You and your friends have decided to go see a movie tonight. What do you want to see?

A. I want to go see a nature film at the Imax theatre. I have to deal with idiot humans all day; the last thing I want to do is pay to watch more of them on a screen.
B. Don’t you ever just want to have a little fun? I’ve spent all day thinking; I want to see an action movie or a comedy.
C. I want to see a movie that illustrates a righteous man’s struggle for justice against all odds. Something moving and uplifting that will restore your faith in life, not question it.
D. I don’t know yet, but whatever it is, you can be sure we’re going to see my choice and not anybody else’s!
E. If I’m going to invest my eight dollars on a movie, it better challenge me. Maybe an engrossing drama or an arty independent film.
F. All these movie choices make me want to wretch.

Question 9. Answer - ________


10. It’s a really hot day and your vehicle breaks down on lonely road. What do you do?

A. I’d pop the hood, inspect the smoking engine like I know what I’m doing, then admit I don’t have a clue and angrily destroy the vehicle with my tire iron.
B. Get out and take a look at what’s wrong. If I can’t fix it up with what I’ve got on hand, I’ll walk to the nearest town and buy the supplies I need to finish the job.
C. Strip down to almost nothing and lean provocatively on the side of the road. I’d make sure to have my tazer handy to jack the first Pervert Samaritan that stops and steal their wheels. Didn’t see that one coming did you? Neither did they!
D. I’d uplink to my dashboard navigational system and connect to roadside assistance. I’ll be home and out of the heat in no time!
E. I’d get my hiking gear out of the Jeep and start off through the woods. It’s a beautiful day and I didn’t like driving anyway.
F. None of these scenarios come even remotely close to what I would do in that stupid, contrived situation.

Question 10. Answer - ________


11. Say a few words about your parents.

A. I have great respect for my parents. They taught me the value of discipline and obedience.
B. I’d like to sell them into slavery.
C. They were always reading to me. And so proud of my grades!
D. What can you say about the ones that gave you life? I have a deep love for them.
E. Love ‘em. Pa taught me how to drink and Ma taught me how to fight.
F. I’m adopted, you asshole.

Question 11. Answer - ________


12. My favorite member of the Simpson’s family is-

A. Bart. Entertaining, self-serving, has almost no morals… what’s not to like?
B. Lisa. She’s a seven year old that was accepted into Mensa. ‘Nuff said.
C. Maggie. So innocent, unlike the rest of those dysfunctional freaks.
D. Homer. “Aahh!” “Doh!” “Why you little…!” “Mmm. Doughnut.”
E. Marge. She might get put down for being bland and always worrying, but she’s the only one who keeps that family from falling apart.
F. Who are these “Simpsons” that you speak of?

Question 12. Answer - ________


13. Pick an economic system.

A. Although it is now synonymous with less advanced cultures, the barter system is the only real economic structure that allows the canny businessperson to utilize every subtle facet of an ever changing value system. Here the most intelligent trader wins. Ideally the whole world would be set up like Ebay, and we could troll for the best deals (and the most ignorant sellers), or bluff indignantly when selling off a “precious” item to others.
B. Economic systems are a necessary but unavoidable evil based on leaky philosophies. I don’t care which one is in place because they’re all just as artificial.
C. Anarchy!
D. Communism. It gets a bum rap, but if you could just get the right people, I mean really good people, at the top, it would be the best. It radically protects the poor and underprivileged in a simple, orderly way. Beautiful.
E. Laizzes Faire Capitalism. Everybody looks out for themselves. Hey, I can’t help it if you aren’t as ingenious or as well-funded as I am to start off. Just don’t get in my way, or I’ll monopolize your ass right out of business!
F. You never mentioned my favorite economic system. How could you have forgotten it?

Question 13. Answer - ________


14. Imagine you and a (heterosexual) partner are engaging in frequent sexual activity, but do not yet want to have children. What would your birth control of choice be?

A. I believe in the sanctity of all life. I refuse to use even natural family planning. If we weren’t meant to have babies, then I’d have been born sterile!
B. Did you know that you only have to worry about getting pregnant if you put it one specific opening? There are plenty more to choose from!
C. Obviously, there are some ethical obligations to think about when considering birth control. I would choose a balance between heartless use of technology and irresponsible breeding mania. Like natural family planning, or maybe even using a condom.
D. I’d use my condoms only once before throwing them out. Same goes for my partners.
E. I’d use the most effective current prophylactics (yes, even abortion- if all else failed, you uptight moralists!), in combination with the latest medical advances possible, as evidenced by controlled experiments in peer reviewed journals. We ain’t takin’ no chances!
F. My answer would fall into a gray area for which you did not provide a choice. How insensitive!

Question 14. Answer - ________


15. You and your partner are going to try something really adventurous in the sack. What would you do?

A. Drunken naked wrestling, baby!
B. Leave the lights on.
C. Tie ‘em up. And watch ‘em beg for it.
D. Pull open the bedroom shades to sneak a peek at your horny neighbors getting it on, then copy exactly what they do.
E. Call the dog into the bedroom… Woof!
F. I would never do any of those horrible things. Especially leave the lights on.

Question 15. Answer - ________


16. You’ve got a report due tomorrow and you’re computer crashes, taking with it all you’ve written. What do you do?

A. I’d just load the file again from one the other two back-up disks I’ve been obsessively saving to. That’s why it’s always good to plan ahead.
B. I’m not going to write that damn thing again. I’ll trade whatever I have lying around (i.e. cash, drugs, my body) to get someone else to do it.
C. I’ll use my mad programming skills to hack into the hard drive and find the back up of the file somewhere.
D. I don’t own a computer! I’m against the rabid proliferation of such technology. I use a Unabomber-style typewriter that never crashes! Who’s laughing now, suckers?
E. I’d do something I should have done a long time ago- take that obsolete piece of shit out into the alley and bludgeon it into dust with an aluminum bat.
F. Despite your provision of a wide array of plausible and humorous choices, not a single one has any appeal to me whatsoever. Asshole.

Question 16. Answer - ________


17. You’re plotting to overthrow the current Powers That Be in your quest for world domination. How would you go about it?

A. I would devise an economic system that works solely on individualistic greed and then watch its insidious tendrils wriggle into every other culture around the globe, slowly turning them all into parodies of my own culture. Oh wait, capitalism’s already taken…
B. I would use my clearly superior intellect to manipulate and twist everything my opponents said into something different. Then I’d steal their own platform and tell the public it’s mine. Basically, I’d run for a political office.
C. First I would forbid any new construction projects, ever. Then I would close our nation’s schools and release the children back into the forest. Then I would open our zoos and declare the animals our sovereign leaders. It’s back to nature for me!
D. I would blow up a lot big important stuff. Then blow up some more stuff. Like at the end of “Fight Club.” It’ll be a terrorist organization, but without the pesky “beliefs” and “goals.”
E. I would preach the inherent Truth of my mission to all who would listen and once we had enough people on our side, we’d overthrow this regime and liberate the poor deluded masses.
F. I have a secret, way cooler plan than any of those stupid ones! And soon you’ll all witness it in action! Bwaahh ha ha ha haaaa!

Question 17. Answer - ________


18. Tired of your incessant plotting to take over the world, a friend complains that you’re “evil.” You reply-

A. “That statement is, I’m afraid, irrelevant. My theoretical framework does not allow for such painfully dichotomous absolutes as ‘good’ and ‘evil.’”
B. “The word ‘evil’ doesn’t apply to living things. It only applies to constructed, artificial terms… like the word ‘evil’”.
C. “I know you are, but what am I?”
D. “You are lying. Therefore you’re evil.”
E. “So I’m evil. At least I can admit it to myself.”
F. “This is ludicrous. I refuse to answer this asinine quiz question.”

Question 18. Answer - ________


19. Which Bible character suits you best?

A. I like Noah. Imagine having to contain all of creation in a single ship- that must have been one wild ride.
B. King David. Big guy and little guy square off. Little guy cracks big guy’s skull with a little rock, then cuts big guy’s head off. Cool!
C. Moses is awesome. He leads his slave brethren out of oppression and then delivers to them the Ten Commandments- the basis of the law they’ll use for the next four thousand years, right up to today. He literally brought unity and order to his people.
D. Definitely Abraham. The asshole was willing to sacrifice his only son to achieve his ends. Here’s someone who doesn’t shy away from the ugly side of life.
E. Jacob is a fascinating individual who is able to use his superior intelligence to steal his older brother’s inheritance. Even if the historical existence of such an individual is debatable, on a purely academic level Jacob’s character is worth studying.
F. You neglected to include my favorite Biblical character, Melchizedek. Where’s the love for Melchizedek!? Huh!?

Question 19. Answer - ________


20. What’s your opinion on religion in general?

A. C’mon, I spend all day avoiding conversations like this! What are you doing to me? I know what I know and that’s all that matters. I don’t think about this sort of thing. I just feel it.
B. Religion is great! It creates order, allows a framework for protecting those who are less fortunate, and it gives us a morality that allows us to make difficult choices. All the important things that humans need religion provides. Of course, my religion is the only true faith, so all those other religions are wrong and shouldn’t exist…
C. Let’s be honest. The world is not a happy place, and people like you and me aren’t all that great either. If you keep insisting on believing in something greater than yourself you’ll ultimately be disappointed. The only god worth worshipping is inside you.
D. Hundreds of years of scientific study have furnished absolutely zero proof of any divine power. If there was a god, why doesn’t that god want us to find it? You can keep an open mind about religion because science can never invalidate its claims, but don’t succumb to actually practicing any of the superstitious hokum peddled by the “faiths.” You’d do better to spend your time looking for evidence of a god before following one.
E. Religion is overrated. Spirituality on the other hand, is truly genuine. We can see Truth all around us; the millions of perfect leaves on the tree, the uncanny beauty of a sunset, the silent struggle of the wild animal for life. This is the essence of spirituality that so-called religion tries to box up and make rules for. Surprise! The real Truth is bigger than the walls of your church! Walk out in the wild to find true meaning.
F. My thoughts on religion were not represented above. They involve rope, an ice pick, and whoever made me take this retarded quiz. It’s a nondenominational thing.

Question 20. Answer - ________

Return your finished quiz to the sender to see how your personality is best represented by the Magic: the Gathering color pie!


For anyone so foolish as to want to know how to score this beast, I will append my “scoring system” below*. You've been warned. Here are the “explanations” I wrote and then sent out to people.


A Short Primer on the Colors
Excerpted (and slightly amended) from the M:tG Website (http://www.wizards.com)

Black
The black-flavored person’s view of the world is quite self-centered. In essence, black-flavored personalities define the world by how it affects him or her. Thus, to them, each individual has their own purpose in life: making their life as good as it can be. And this is fair as far as a black-flavored person is concerned, as everyone has someone looking out for their own best interest (themselves). Now, this way of life has many victims (after all someone has to lose for others to gain), but black personalities feel this is simply the world’s way to weed out the weak.
Black-flavored personalities believe that others want to change the world to make it something that it isn’t. They feel they are simply accepting the world as it is. Humans are essentially selfish beings. Any other belief is simply denial. Sure, it would be great if the world worked differently, but it doesn’t. And if black personalities have to live in this world, then it’s going to play by the rules that exist. And those rules are simple: Do what you want until someone more powerful stops you.
It is important to remember the having a black-flavored personality doesn’t necessarily denote being evil, just not believing in conventionally “good” institutions or philosophies.
Some things that describe black-flavored personalities:
Amorality
Darkness
Corruption
Deceit
Manipulation
Machiavellian thinking
Individualism
(Calculated) Destruction
Self Absorption
Examples in art of black-flavored characters:
Bart Simpson
Daffy Duck
George Costanza

Blue
To a blue-flavored personality, the world is a collection of resources that allow an individual the ability to transform himself into whatever she or he wishes. Each person is born as a blank slate. The purpose of life is to learn what you want to be and how to achieve that goal.
To accomplish this, the blue personality learns to value the most important resource in the world: information. In order to find one’s place in the world, a person must collect as much knowledge as she or he can. With this tool at her disposal, she will find the answer to any and every problem. Thus, blue-flavored folks want to know everything. For he (or she) who knows all has no weakness.
Some things that describe blue-flavored personalities:
Knowledge
Creativity
Subtlety
Intellect
Trickery
Passivity
Manipulation
Academics
Control
Examples in art of blue-flavored characters:
Lisa Simpson
Spock
Willow and Giles from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”

Green
Each color's view of the world is heavily influenced by the thing it values most. What do green-flavored personalities value most? Nature. The way green-flavored folks see it, the world has gotten it right. There is no force more powerful, more peaceful, or more elegant than nature. Their end goal is simply to let the natural way evolve. Green-flavored personalities, in their hearts, want nothing more than to sit back and watch life unfurl around them. Thus, their ultimate goal is growth. Green personalities would be happiest in a world where nature has been allowed to run rampant.
Green-flavored personalities dislike artificiality wherever they find it- in the way other people act and in the way urban sprawl takes over farmland. They also have a special affinity for animals.
Although not explicitly stated on the M:tG website, I believe smoking weed is a very green-flavored trait. It’s all natural, man!
Some things that describe green-flavored personalities:
Growth
Nature
Reality (as contrasted to illusion)
Community
Interdependence
Spiritualism
Instinct
Animals
Examples in art of green-flavored characters:
Maggie Simpson (had to fit her in somewhere)
Winnie the Pooh
King Kong

Red
Red-flavored personalities like to have fun. They’re often the life of the party. They have one goal in mind; to do whatever they feel like doing at the moment. Red-flavored folks enjoy spontaneity and live chaotic lives. They tend to be impulsive, sometimes even violent. This doesn’t worry a red-flavored personality. This is healthy expression of emotion. If it were up to red-flavored personalities society would stop being so uptight and just go a little crazy, consequences be damned.
Some things that describe red-flavored personalities:
Chaos
Humor
Impulsiveness
Spontaneity
Violence
Uncivilized
Energy
(Wanton) Destruction
Enthusiasm
Irrationality
Examples in art of red-flavored characters:
Homer Simpson
Tyler Durden from “Fight Club”
Chris Farley’s characters in just about every movie or SNL skit he’s ever been in.

White
White-flavored personalities want a world where everyone gets along. They enjoy community. They want what is best for the whole. They look out for everyone. White-flavored personalities would be happiest in a utopian society where everyone shares and cooperates with one another. The ultimate goal is peace. But sometimes white-flavored personalities can use disquieting methods to attain peace.
Consequently, white-flavored personalities are neither inherently good nor evil. For example, preservation of life is very white-flavored. Most people would probably classify that as “good.” Fascism is also very white-flavored. Most people would probably classify that as “evil.”
Some things that describe white-flavored personalities:
Order
Religion
Civilization
Law
Honor
Morality
Dogmatism
Cooperation
Honesty
Medicine
Examples in art of white-flavored characters:
Marge Simpson
Superman
Captain Jean-Luc Picard from “Star Trek: the Next Generation”




Inspiration for this post was obtained from these guys, by producing a track about being paranoid.


T





*Scoring Guidelines and answers:



There are three possible levels of colors - "Primary, Secondary, and Splash." A person could have all three levels or none at all (in which case a score of "No Color" is given). Whether a color is considered Primary, Secondary or Splash is determined by the number of responses that color has garnered relative to the other significant colors.
A respondent must answer more than 3 questions in a color for that color to be considered significant.
Colors must have scores that differ from one another by at least two to be considered on a different level (i.e. a “primary” color vs. secondary vs. splash color).
No more than 3 colors should be named in a final score unless an “evenly balanced” score (i.e no color is dominant) is given.

For example, Dakkon McBlackblade had scores like this: W:4 U:6 B:8 R:0 G:1 None of the above:1 He would be considered primarily Black, with a secondary color of Blue and a splash of White.

Example number two: Saffi Eriksdotter has scores like this: W:8 U:2 B:1 R:0 G:9 None of the above: 0 She would have a score of White/Green, both as primary colors because although she responded to one more question with an answer of Green, the difference between this and the sum of her White scores is not at least two, and thus the difference is not significant enough to consider the White a "secondary" color.

Example number three: Karn McGolem has scored thusly: W:3 U:3 B:2 R:3 G:3 None of the above: 6 Since none of his scores for any of the five colors are greater than what would be expected by giving answers at random, Karn has "No Color" as his final score.

Here are the answers. Magic colors are given as the normal abbreviations (i.e. Black=b, Blue=u, etc.)

1. A.w B.b C.u D.g E.r F. no color
2. A.b B.u C.g D.r E.w F.none
3. A.u B.g C.r D.w E.b F.none
4. A.g B.r C.w D.b E.u F.none
5. A.r B.w C.b D.u E.g F.none
6. A.w B.b C.u D.g E.r F.none
7. A.b B.u C.g D.r E.w F.none
8. A.u B.g C.r D.w E.b F.none
9. A.g B.r C.w D.b E.u F.none
10. A.r B.w C.b D.u E.g F.none
11. A.w B.b C.u D.g E.r F.none
12. A.b B.u C.g D.r E.w F.none
13. A.u B.g C.r D.w E.b F.none
14. A.g B.r C.w D.b E.u F.none
15. A.r B.w C.b D.u E.g F.none
16. A.w B.b C.u D.g E.r F.none
17. A.b B.u C.g D.r E.w F.none
18. A.u B.g C.r D.w E.b F.none
19. A.g B.r C.w D.b E.u F.none
20. A.r B.w C.b D.u E.g F.none